Sunday, April 1, 2012

Six Sentence Sunday - Unavoidable Legacies #3

These six sentences are also from the prologue of the same Work in Progress, Unavoidable Legacies, as the last two SSS postings.  As I mentioned last week and the week before, this scene involves secondary characters, whose activities set the rest of the book in motion.  This excerpt follows last week's, where John was feeling guilty about Grace's car accident.  He is still standing on the side of the road, watching the emergency crews look for Grace in the lake.
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           They all believed Grace was dead, that her delicate body was suspended somewhere beyond their reach. God, please let them find her before she was blue and bloated with a ghastly open-mouthed yawn.
           A cry from one of the boats broke across the water – someone had found...something. John watched without blinking as the crew pulled her lifeless body out of the lake. Crisp grief speared through him, sending hot pain down his left arm and a tight ache across his chest. Welcoming it, he slid to the frozen earth in silence. 

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One of my rewrite options has John and Grace return as ghosts to play matchmakers for their grown children. I have to play with that idea some more and see how that might work...

This might be the last excerpt from this WIP for a while. I've decided this story needs a lot of revision, so that'll take some time. Also, I think it might be time to switch up my SSS to something that isn't quite so sombre.



Thank you to everyone for stopping by and commenting on my post again last week! I appreciate it! Your comments have me thinking about my rewrites and directions for moving forward. Also, a huge thank you to the Six Sentence Sunday organizers - I think you are rockstars for coming up with this idea and generously sharing the opportunity with others. :)

To find out more about Six Sentence Sunday and the other fabulous participants go to http://www.sixsunday.com/. There are some great snippets!


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I'd love to hear from you about this excerpt! What do you think?


86 comments:

Lisa Fox said...

I can feel his terrible grief.

Zee Monodee said...

Goodness, that is heartbreaking!

Jennifer Lowery (Kamptner) said...

So sad! Well written six!

Candice Bundy said...

How painful and it makes you wonder what brought them to this point. It's a mixture of relief that she's been found yet grief over her death which pours from him in this six. Well done.

Kate said...

I love the way you work with words, Lorraine. "Crisp grief" is gripping. And the contrast between the hot pain he welcomes and the frozen ground amps up the sensory level of the scene. Brilliant!

Ranae Rose said...

This is an emotionally intense and well-written six - nicely done! :)

Angela Quarles said...

Oh wow, very chilling and poignant! And I like your ghost option, sounds intriguing!

Ursula Grey said...

Another excellent six! Loved, "a cry from one of the boats broke across the water" and "crisp grief speared through him".

Joanne Stewart said...

Very chilling, very emotional. My heart broke with him. Fabulous emotion.

patonlorraine said...

Thank you, Lisa! :)

patonlorraine said...

Thank you for stopping by, Zee! :) John and Grace's story is heartbreaking to me too.

maeclair said...

Good scene setting and I feel his grief and trauma, especially as he slides to the "frozen earth."

patonlorraine said...

Thank you so much, Jennifer! :)

patonlorraine said...

Thank you, Candice. John and Grace had a very tumultuous relationship, but they couldn't live without one another.

patonlorraine said...

Thank you, Kate! That is wonderful to hear! (I'm ramping up to do some submissions, so your comments help steady my nerves. ;) )

patonlorraine said...

Thank you so much, Ranae! :)

patonlorraine said...

Thank you, Angela! I think the ghost option is really going to help this story. Besides, I like John and Grace and feel they need to have their own happy resolution. :)

patonlorraine said...

Thank you so much, Ursula! I'm glad you enjoyed them. :)

patonlorraine said...

Thank you so much, Joanne! :) My heart broke when I was writing it too.

patonlorraine said...

Thank you so much, Mae!

Jessica K said...

A moving scene... not sure these should be "secondary characters." Well done.

Guilie said...

Great stuff, Lorraine! John's pain comes through clearly. Yes, it's better to know for sure, but it doesn't hurt less. Good luck with the revisions--I'm in the same boat, refurbishing a whole novel (*sigh*), so I feel for you. Then again, revisions are where the true story emerges, where characters sharpen and live their own lives. It's hard work, but it's also fun :)

patonlorraine said...

Thanks, Jessica! I guess I think of them as secondary because they are dead by the end of the prologue. I'll have to see what happens in the rewriting and my attempts to keep them in the story as ghosts. :)

patonlorraine said...

Thanks, Guilie! This is the biggest revision I've ever attempted (I'm much better at outlining my stories now...) I find it a bit daunting, but agree that revisions do amazing things for the "true story." Good luck with your own revisions! :)

Chantel Rhondeau said...

This is a wonderful six, Lorraine. The descriptions really allow me to get into the scene and feel his grief. All with just six sentences! Really terrific snippet!

patonlorraine said...

Thank you so much, Chantel! I'm glad you enjoyed them. :)

Elin Gregory said...

Poor John. Yes, you did that well. I take it from his comments about the state of her body that he has some medical experience? Sometimes ignorance is better.

Sombre isn't necessarily a bad thing unless it was EVERY week. Then I'd get very curious about how you handle other moods. :)

Skye Warren said...

Wow, great imagery. Shocking and shivery.

Siobhan Muir / Meg Palevich said...

I liked how you captured his grief and how it affected his heart. Well done, Lorraine. :)

Sarah W said...

This is so poignant, Lorraine . . . is this tone sustained through the entire story, or does it change a bit for the modern part of the story? I'm just curious! :)

Cate Masters said...

Wonderful description in this tense, ominous scene. Good work!

Wildcat's Wife said...

Moving! I felt John's pain, his agony. Nicely done, Lorraine. Nicely done.

Ruthie said...

Interesting! I like "Someone had found . . . something."

patonlorraine said...

Thank, Elin. John does not have medical experience, but he's seen other similar accidents.

This story is a bit unusual for me, so hopefully I can find a different mood to showcase next time! I'll have to go hunting. ;)

patonlorraine said...

Oops - I meant *thanks*

patonlorraine said...

Thank you, Skye! That means a lot. :)

patonlorraine said...

Thanks so much, Sarah! The tone changes a bit for the modern part of the story. The grown kids, who have the romance, are more reserved at the beginning than their wild and emotional parents. Though - it does remain a bit ominous, since there is a mystery to solve, a villain and all that. With the rewrite, though, I may play up the ominous tone a bit more.

patonlorraine said...

Thank you so much, Cate! :)

patonlorraine said...

Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed my 6. :)

patonlorraine said...

Thank you, Ruthie! :)

christine warner said...

Heart-wrenching! Beautifully written six.

Silver James said...

Excellent imagery here and the language is sure to elicit a response in the reader. It certainly did in me--chills and sadness. Well done!

patonlorraine said...

Thank you so much, Christine! I appreciate your comments.

patonlorraine said...

Thank you, Silver! That means a lot! :)

Karysa Faire said...

Very well written and heartbreaking. I think you've done an excellent job at capturing the moment.

melyndaprice said...

Excellent six! John's grief is so raw.

patonlorraine said...

Thank you so much, Karysa!

patonlorraine said...

Thank you very much, Melynda! :)

Janey Falls said...

That was heartbreaking - so in the moment. Really well done...

Wendy said...

I like that he wants to find her. It shows a great deal of care. Great six!

Cara Bristol said...

Oh no. You can feel his pain. This scenario happens just the way you wrote it.

patonlorraine said...

Thank you, Janey!

patonlorraine said...

Thank you, Wendy. Yes, he loved (loves?) her very much.

patonlorraine said...

Thank you, Cara! I appreciate your comments.

sue said...

thanks for your comment. Sorry I've missed much of this - sounds intriguing - I like the ghost idea lol

patonlorraine said...

Thanks, Sue! :)

Teresa Cypher aka T K CypherBuss said...

Wow, Lorraine, the emotions come through so clearly. I wish that I had found your blog earlier. I like the idea of the ghosts.. Have a wonderful week--see you next Sunday :-)

Sue Ann Bowling said...

Regrets are strongest when they are too late.

Karyn Good said...

What wonderful imagery and heartfelt emotion! Great six!

stephanielawton.com said...

Oh wow. The first part is creepy, but the second is heart-breaking.

Tanya Reimer said...

This was a very powerful six sentences. Gosh. All of me tensed up.

Donna Cummings said...

Such a great depiction of grief. I vote for them to continue as ghosts -- I love my happily-ever-after endings!

Vivien Dean said...

What an interesting possibility for your rewrite options! I'll miss seeing what you come up with, though. I'll just have to stick around until you start posting it again. ;)

patonlorraine said...

Thank you, Teresa! Yes, we'll see you next Sunday! :)

patonlorraine said...

Yes, you are right. Thank you for stopping by, Sue Ann!

patonlorraine said...

Thank you so much, Karyn!

patonlorraine said...

Thank you, Stephanie! :)

patonlorraine said...

Thanks so much, Tanya! :)

patonlorraine said...

Thank you, Donna! The ghost idea is gaining support! :)

patonlorraine said...

Thank you, Vivien! It might take some time, but I'll plan to post that story again... some day. ;)

Jeanette said...

Nice 6. Particularly liked the phrasing of 'Crisp grief.'

Sara Walter Ellwood / Cera duBois said...

Wow, very heartbreaking....

Kate said...

Yes, "crisp grief" and "frozen earth" are winners. Great and powerful six!

Sarah Ballance said...

Your writing is so vibrant. I love this!

Heather Boyd said...

Yikes! You're killing this weeks SSS. LOL. (sorry, probably a poor joke) Moving six. Very real.

patonlorraine said...

Thank you, Jeanette!

patonlorraine said...

Thank you for stopping by, Sara. It was a heartbreaking scene to write too.

patonlorraine said...

Thank you, Kate! I'm glad you enjoyed my 6.

Claire Gillian said...

Very compelling, but so tragic. I like the idea of the ghosts playing matchmakers though as an upbeat twist to the deaths we've read about so far.

patonlorraine said...

Thank you, Sarah! I appreciate your comments. :)

patonlorraine said...

LOL! Thank you, Heather! :)

patonlorraine said...

Thank you, Claire. I think the ghost will help too, I'll have to do some planning to figure out how to bring this all together though. LOL. :)

Sue Ann Bowling said...

Beautiful if tragic prologue.

Ginger Simpson said...

Wow...that was very powerful. Great job.

Pippa Jay said...

Poor guy! Poor both of them.

Ileandra Young said...

Oh, poor sod! I feel drawn more and more into these secondary characters with each Six you post.